What I've learned about forgiveness

I think most of us believe that forgiveness is an essential component of any healthy relationship and can act as a bridge to healing and renewed trust.

A few months ago, in a previous blog on friendships, I mentioned a long-term friendship that I had for 30+ years, but then a few years ago, she requested to no longer be friends with me. Although I didn’t and still do not understand the reason that we are no longer friends, I’ve accepted it. Initially, I was quite hurt and upset. My first thought was “What did I do?” I truly felt like I had been a good friend, especially as I was the one to typically stay in touch with her. However, my thoughts then started to take a negative twist, given my sadness. I then proclaimed, “If she doesn’t want to be my friend, it’s her loss!” and of course, I had some other, not so nice words to say about her and this rejection of friendship. It was right then that I remembered a training that I heard on Forgiveness. It talked about how not forgiving someone can cause bitterness and resentment and can subsequently wreak havoc on your physical and mental health. I’ve also heard someone say that “Unforgiveness will imprison you in your past.” Meaning, that it keeps the pain alive and never allows the wound to truly heal. 

Finally, I came across a famous scripture in the book of Matthew in the Bible, found in chapter 6, verse 14-15, which says “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Right then, I knew what I had to do. I prayed about the situation and verbally forgave my friend for rejecting me and my friendship. I also felt led to pray God’s blessings on her. If she comes to my mind, as she does from time to time, I say a brief prayer for her. 

Amazingly, afterward, I felt such a freedom and totally at peace. I wholeheartedly believe that forgiveness is based on our decision to do so, not a feeling, and that there is healing in that. 

In a few of my blogs, I alluded to having a childhood filled with strife. As an adult and “experienced adult,” I’ve always known that my parents truly loved me, but I also have acknowledged that it was not the happiest of childhoods, given the discord between my parents. It wasn’t until I went through the “big trauma” (of which I will begin to talk more about in the upcoming weeks) and subsequent counseling sessions, that I fully realized how painful my childhood really was, which began in the crib. This is a story that I will talk about in more detail down the road. The irony is that although there was a lot of bickering in my house, I don’t quite remember much else about my childhood. Once I admitted the reality of my childhood out loud, immediately I began to experience extreme sadness, which then turned into anger. As I began to dwell on my childhood, I started to feel sorry for myself, thinking “Why would God allow me to grow up in a home that was full of strife and heartache?“ And the sadness overtook me again and minutes later, I thought to myself “If this really happened to me and if so, why is it now just coming to my mind?” Finally, I realized that it was now coming to the surface because I was able and ready to deal with it and accept it. I acknowledged my dysfunctional childhood, but also recognized that my parents loved me greatly and that they did the best they could with the resources and experiences they had. 

One last, but very important lesson that I’ve learned about forgiveness is that anyone can apologize or say that they’re sorry, but when you ask someone to forgive you for your actions too, it’s a game changer! 

Earlier on in our marriage, my husband and I attended a married couples bible study on Forgiveness. The teaching was about “asking for forgiveness” rather than “saying you’re sorry.” What Scott, our teacher explained, was that when you say that you’re sorry, it isn’t about the person you hurt. It’s all about you and making yourself feel better for whatever hurt you’ve caused or wrong you’ve done to the person. It has nothing to do with other person but, asking for forgiveness and specifically naming the action (or inaction) that caused the hurt, now that’s an apology. It gives the person that you hurt control of the situation and making it about them and not yourself.

After the teaching, my husband and I committed to implementing this in our marriage. I fully admit that it was quite awkward at first, but what I’ve noticed is that it takes quite a bit of vulnerability and humility to not only apologize but also to ask the other person to forgive you. I truly see that vulnerability is a foundation of trust and love. And, in our experience, our marriage is stronger for it. In fact, ever since, I’ve been asking for forgiveness whenever the moment calls for it (Not only with my husband, but the rest of my family, friends and coworkers) regardless of my own discomfort or awkwardness. It’s amazing the impact that this simple principle can have on any relationship!

If I may encourage you with one thing, and that is to choose forgiveness and ask for forgiveness. It will positively affect all of your relationships.