What does your self-image look like?

Self-image, or the personal view or mental picture that we have of ourselves. I’ve heard it described as an “internal dictionary”, describing the characteristics of ourselves, like intelligent, beautiful, ugly, selfish, etc. These characteristics then form a collective representation of our strengths and weaknesses, as we see them.

How many of us would honestly say that we have a positive view of ourselves? 

For me, as a child, my self-image was not as healthy as it probably could have been. In an earlier blog, I mentioned that I felt awkward, and I didn’t feel like I belonged in any of my surrounding circles. I didn’t know my true self or worth or who I was. This may have been largely due to my traumatic upbringing. 

Later in life and after much prayer, counseling and research, I now understand that one of the most devastating impacts of early trauma is the way in which I viewed myself, as my identity began to form during the impressionable, formative years of my childhood. Children, especially infants, are incapable of differentiating themselves from their environment, which leads them to intimately connect trauma with their sense of self. We’ve all seen examples of this, such as when something bad happens to a child, like the parents going through a divorce. Many times, the kids believe that it’s happened because they are bad (or that it’s their fault ), not because the parents grew apart. This is the only way young children can make sense of trauma and at first, it serves them well. Unfortunately, what started as a protective coping mechanism outlives its usefulness and lingers into adulthood, causing all sorts of issues like low self-esteem. “These coping strategies that initially helped us survive as children, over the years, become rigid beliefs about who we are and what the world is like”, says Laurence Heller, PhD in his book, Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. He also goes on to say that “When children experience, early preverbal trauma, they develop a distorted self-image in an attempt to make sense of their ongoing distress. Infants in distress feel bad; when the distress continues, they end up thinking they are bad.” 

I have not yet gone into too much detail about my childhood; however, I do believe that the strife that I experienced as a young child contributed to my poor self-image. {Of course, I know that my parents did the best they could with the resources they had. I also know that we have free will and have the ability to overcome and become better versions of ourselves.} 

This distorted view of myself also affected my body-image. I’ve always been a somewhat petite person and have managed to maintain a healthy weight over the years. Although, up until a few years ago, I was ashamed of my body, and I didn’t feel comfortable in my “birthday suit” (If you know what I mean? LOL), even in front of my husband of 27 years, who I know, loves my body. Admittedly, I was hyper critical of the bulging areas on my body, especially the extra cushion on my bottom. My husband would lovingly say that “My baby’s got back.” 

Again, after much counseling and spending time in prayer and reading scripture dealing with my self-worth and God’s love for me, I now see myself in a whole different light. I truly believe what He says in the book of psalms, chapter 139 and verse 14: “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.”  Emma Lovewell, one of my favorite Peloton instructors, during one of my recent bike rides, was talking about how we view ourselves and said that “When we are young, we should be taught to love our bodies, rather than being critical of our bodies.” 

Unfortunately, in our society (especially in the U.S), it seems as if the intolerance of body diversity has a lot to do with a bias of size and shape in our culture. Being thin or toned has become associated with discipline, popularity or success and being larger, associated with weak, ugly, or lacking willpower. However, until we are in someone else’s shoes, we don’t know what they’ve gone through or are currently dealing with.

I was reading an article on children’s development and found out that children begin to develop a self-concept during the ages of 3 to 5 years old. At 3 years old, they’re able to describe themselves using very detailed and concrete terms. At 4 years old, children develop what is known as the “belief-desire theory of mind,” which is when a child can use beliefs and desires to determine behavior. It is at this stage that a child understands that both beliefs and desires determine an individual’s actions. During elementary or middle school years, they’re able to internalize what others have told them about themselves and compare their skills and abilities to others. In adolescence, teens begin to put more emphasis on traits that show social virtues, like being kind or fair. Given this, as parents and as influencers and educators, shouldn’t we spend extra time and energy during these formative years helping our kids to develop healthy, positive views of themselves?

Self-image also seems to be highly influenced by how kids are spending their time and what they are watching, especially as they spend so much time on their phones, on laptops and watching TV.

Finally, I think that the development of self-concept varies from different cultures and ethnic backgrounds, as well as where and how kids are raised.

If you don’t have a healthy, positive view of yourself, I encourage you to seek counseling and or identify ways to improve your self-image.  

I can do it!