The trauma of 2017, Part 1 (How it all began)
In a few of my blogs, I’ve alluded to the "trauma of 2017," which was stressful, frightening and distressing. While I was going through it, I truly did not know if I was ever going to same person as I was before. Given the significance of this experience, I will share unfiltered details of how it all began; how we went about identifying and solving the key issues that were taking place in me; to finally triumphing over it and experiencing an inexpressible freedom. This is part 1 of a series of blogs.
As I have mentioned before, I’ve always had a somewhat type A personality or overachiever mentality. I’m analytical, highly organized and up until this somber ordeal, I’ve typically pursued perfection in myself and in my surroundings.
Then one ominous Saturday, at the age of 49 years old, I was about to take Krieger, my German Shepherd dog out for his morning walk. I put on his collar, grabbed his leash, got to the gate of our backyard and I had no clue what to do next. This is something I had done hundreds of times before, but for some reason, this morning was different. I called to my husband in a panic and told him “I don’t know what to do next!” My husband graciously got his coat, and we went for a walk together. Although I don’t remember the exact details of the walk, I do recall feeling that my nervousness was getting stronger. My mind was racing, and my thoughts were scattered. When the nervousness was at its worst, extreme, powerful urges to push my husband would come over me. Once I experienced complete healing, it took me quite a few years afterwards to forgive myself and to let go of the shame and the sadness that I felt in the way I behaved towards my husband and my puppy during this time. Even now as I am writing this, I can’t help but let the tears keep rolling down my cheeks. Perhaps this is why it’s taken me so long to write about this experience.
A few weeks prior to this episode, two things happened. Due to the continued stomach issues and excessive pain in my body, as well as other health issues (frozen shoulder), I started seeing a functional wellness doctor. For those of you that have not heard of this specialty, functional wellness looks at a person‘s biochemistry as a whole, focusing on identifying the root cause of imbalance and restoring optical function. In talking to this doctor, identifying the root cause of all my ailments was music to my ears. I thought that I had finally found the answer to all of my health issues and the pain; however, after a variety of tests and a lot of money, I was told that I had a number of issues that needed to be treated with numerous supplements, a change in diet and abstaining from certain foods.
During the review of my treatment plan, I requested starting the plan slowly with only a few supplements, but by the time my appointment was finished, I ended up taking at least eight to ten supplements home with me, in addition to beginning a strict diet. I should have put my foot down and talked further with the doctor about my concerns before starting the supplements, but I was desperate to feel better and moved forward with her treatment plan.
One week after I started the supplements and diet change, I started having major digestive issues - extreme stomach pain, diarrhea, nauseousness and no appetite. I got to the point where I had to force myself to eat, which for me was a big thing as I love to eat good food. My whole body was thrown completely off-balance. I talked to my doctor, and she suggested that we hold off on the supplements until my body calmed down.
The second thing that happened during this time was that I began getting anxious during the day. It started out with a difficulty focusing on fundamental activities, such as work tasks, meal planning and household work and then it progressed to simple reading and writing. I went to see my general practitioner and she prescribed a low-dose anti-anxiety medication. After a few weeks of having been on the meds, I wasn’t getting any better. In fact, my anxiety level had increased and seemed to be getting progressively worse. I was getting to the point where I couldn’t even sit down and watch my favorite TV shows. Reading a book was completely out of the question.
I then started having difficulty sleeping and got to the point that I became fearful about my sleep. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, that I wasn’t getting much sleep at all. By this time, I had already started seeing a psychiatrist every other week. He prescribed me sleeping meds, in addition to changing my anti-anxiety and antidepressant meds every few weeks. What we soon found out was that all of these drugs had major side effects. I remember one side effect in particular. I was self-employed at the time, having my own business development and marketing firm, and I was doing some consulting with a local architecture firm. I would be in the middle of typing up client notes on my laptop and out of the blue, a physical and mental exhaustion would come over me so quickly and intensely that I’d have to lie down for a few hours.
There were times when I took my nighttime meds, that I would experience an overwhelming feeling of decreased consciousness and extreme exhaustion to the point that I couldn’t physically get myself to the bedroom. There were other times when I took my meds that I didn’t remember how I got to the bedroom.
In part 2 of my next blog, I will talk about “the breakdown.”
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