The trauma of 2017, Part 5 (Going back to work)

After about one month of being on hormone replacement therapy or Hormone Pellet Therapy (Implanting small pellets under the skin to deliver a consistent level of hormones into the bloodstream), I started to feel more alert. I began to have an interest (and the ability to sit still) in watching some TV. I vividly remember this time, as it was right around Christmas and New Year’s Eve. A few of the series I binge watched were Switched at Birth, Free Rein and Heartland. Note: Besides dogs, horses are one of my favorite animals, due to their beauty, strength and grace. There is something so majestic about them. When I was younger, I used to daydream about having my own horse ranch, that was until I found out how smelly they can be. LOL! 

During this time, as I was adjusting back to a “normal life,” or at least elements of normalcy, I couldn’t bear to watch shows that involved a character in a psychiatric hospital or any type of medical facility for that matter. 

As I had mentioned in my last blog, after I was discharged from the hospital, I spent a few months in an outpatient treatment program. It was during this time that my husband and I looked for a therapist for me to talk to. I ended up having a few sessions with a couple of therapists, but I didn’t relate with any of them until Dr. H, who I started going to after I went back to work.

In Part 4 of this “trauma of 2017” blog, you may remember that I mentioned my codependency on the meds and subsequently, a few events that led my husband to insist that I go off of all of the medications. 

When we came back from WI, I saw a neurologist, as they wanted to see if the antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications that I was on had an effect on my brain. They attached electrodes to my scalp and began conducting an EEG. The results of the scan showed clear spikes (or irregularities) in my brain waves, which was caused by the meds. The doctor explained in detail that the medication’s had altered the patterns of electrical activity in my brain. It did this by influencing the levels of neurotransmitters like serotonin and GABA. He went on to say that the exact changes depend on the specific medication and individual. He also told us that the brain activity will go back to normal once the meds were out of my system. However, this is what clinched it for me, that I needed to safely wean off of all the medication immediately. And this is what we did. 

It was as a few more months before I could think, learn and remember things clearly and begin to consider going back to work. My husband is my greatest cheerleader and advocate, and he was the one who encouraged me to go back to work. As we were having this discussion, I received an email from my former engineering employer, inquiring of my interest in coming back to lead the business development efforts for their Southern California practice. At the same time, a friend of mine reached out to me to see if I’d be interested in interviewing with a national architecture firm in a similar role. Given all that I had been through over the previous 13-14 months, the thought of going back to work brought up many different emotions, including uncertainty and quite a bit of distress. 

As it turned out, as soon as my old boss of this engineering firm (and now the CEO) found out that I was interested in rejoining, I had an amazing offer within two days. This was truly a miracle. 

Shortly after I went back to work, my husband and I had a serious talk about me finding a long-term therapist to talk about all that I had gone through. Admittedly, I didn’t think that I needed to go talk to a therapist. I only agreed to do it just to get my husband off of my back. Our neighbor who was a marriage and family counselor gave me a few referrals, and, as it turned out, Dr. H was one of them. I ended up having weekly individual sessions as well as couple sessions for a few years. We never had to pay one dime towards the sessions, as my former company had such a great insurance plan for mental health. This was a huge miracle. 

One other thing that I haven’t yet shared is that during the trauma of 2017, I hadn’t cried that entire time. I thought that something was seriously wrong with me, as I couldn’t cry regardless of the circumstance. However, as I got to know and trust Dr. H and she got to know me, and the healing process began, it was difficult to stop the tears from flowing. 

One thing I learned through this entire experience was that God allowed this tragedy of sorts, so that He could set me free from the difficult childhood that I had experienced and had deeply suppressed in my subconscious mind. Once I started talking about the trauma of 2017, it brought up sad and very painful memories from my childhood. I didn’t realize that it had affected me and caused me to approach life through a trauma-informed lens (a filter of past traumatic experiences) rather than a wellness-focused mindset. 

One of my favorite freedom scriptures is found in the book of Isaiah, chapter 61, verse one, which says “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim freedom to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound.”